Death of a Beloved
I really don’t know if this is a question or a story…perhaps just a sharing but I am welcome to answers.??? Yesterday was the year anniversary of my beloved fiancee Rick’s death.?? I wanted to honor his memory, by going to the exact place that his body fell and create a shrine, much like the ones we see on the side of the road when someone has died there.?? I really thought I knew what happens after the body dies, but I no longer know whether or not there is an afterlife.??? All I know is that the awareness is what I am.? What I am no longer sure of (is anybody?) is how the awareness continues on after the body dies.?? I do know that I feel Rick in my heart now as a memory and that I can bring the memory forward into the present.?? I dream about him several times a week and in many of my dreams he has resurrected himself.??? Sometimes I am angry at him for leaving and other times I am elated that he’s back, but fearful he will die again.?? I continue to process our relationship with my therapist, because there were issues left unresolved.?? I miss the good parts, but not the challenging parts.?? One of the hardest parts about his death is that it was an unexpected cardiac arrest and neither of us saw it coming….I didn’t get to make peace or say goodbye.??? There was the emotional shock of him being gone so suddenly, that my mind/psyche cannot make sense of.??? I know its a matter of the heart and my heart is still integrating all the confusion, grief, unresolved issues, abandonment and……..
thanks for listening.
As I read your share I feel such deep sadness in my heart…..feeling the giant mother sky lifting me up and carrying me like a baby as I allow myself to feel ?this deep and profound loss in my heart…… my day is still and all I can feel is deep quiet sadness as am held by the mother…..the words “my love” come through …..a desire to write a letter to my beloved… To say and express as if they were here ” I miss you”…..and feeling with me at the same times the gifts of their love…their presence is with me and this sadness.. they are always with me especially now… my beloveds who have passed to the other realms.. deep sense of gratitude brings a sense of joy and a smile.
I feel a deep sadness in my heart as I read your post, a longing in my heart to have said things that were not said, a shock at the unexpected way that life took Rick so suddenly, without warning. My heart is fluttering, my breathing deepens. I bow to the utter mystery of life and death. I feel a hopelessness in my heart and then I hear the words “abandon hope.” In some strange way that is comforting.
And…. I feel such a sense of tender acceptance in my heart as I read that And…. There it is. The truth. The whole spectrum of life playing through.? And… there is a process that does itself. And… all we can do is open to it. Unless we can’t. And… that is a truth in life. I feel the soft weight of sadness in my heart space flowing down into my belly area. It has a sweet feeling to it. I feel you in my heart.
As I read your message I felt my throat swell up, this dropped into my heart and a tingly all over body sensation was ever so present. As I read your story I could see you and Rick, I felt incredible gratitude towards your dreams that continues to let you share with him in another dimension.
I felt the memories of those that I have lost, I looked up and saw a picture of my grandma. As I saw her so much rushed up, yet a deep sense of knowing that when I think of her something always bridges us together in the heart.
I have been reading an Advaita text, I AM THAT, and this share reminded me of one of the lines in the book: “The real does not die, the unreal never lived”. I can see how what was real between you too is what is pervading, what’s there and alive.
I send you deep tender love in this beautiful process that you are in and hold you in the light of love that you are. <3
Love and blessings,